Thursday, January 27, 2011

(just came to say hello)

its late
i feel like my head is too heavy for my body
or neck
(you know what i mean)

i want to sleep
but i want to blog more

watched micheal cera sing
ah -- and his little guitar playing

"Romonaaaa ... on my mind"

found these pictures...

missing andrea's hair
and just being amazed at the fact that its purple
and wanting a picture of it

wanting my hair to be blonde
and beachy
and long

im going for a "trim" on saturday
which really means:
--they're gona cut my hair short and i will hate it--

listening to "incinerate"
a song from guitar hero
wanting to play
for an audiance*
excited for the met and to dress up

wanting to see friends
and to be with them always
to talk to chey and find out whats going on
(reading your sms atm)

will not be going to uct
or studying humanities

i cant
cant go back to the uncertainty
of not knowing which subjects to pick
or what to major in
(even you listing all my options on the phone scared me)
or what i will do with my life afterwards
or even if i'll be able to have a life afterwards

hearing my dads words of
"there's nothing more demeaning than four years of studying and not being able to get a decent job
or having to become a teacher"

im tired of the awkward conversations with people about my future
or of people saying "well atleast its interesting"
 being judged
and afraid

im tired of writing essays and reading
and trying to be someone i haven't become

i like being able to say
"im doing biotechnology for the next three years and then a fourth year of medical bioscience"
i like sounding smart
and not doing the "mathlit of university work"

people can be cruel

thinking that if i ever get a tattoo
id want it to look something like this

glad that everyone seems to be enjoying their orientation period
praying we all keep our enthusiasm
and thanking God for helping me appreciate what i have

and lastly....
hoping you guys dont forget about your friend Lisa who doesnt go to uct

love always and goodnight

picture this, and excuse the S word

so do you model?
no, don't ask her that
but she looks like she would
you're really pretty
do you play sport?, i did do dancing for about ten years

what kind of dancing?
why did you stop?
do you have a boyfriend?
why not?

she doesn't like needles
i know i heard her say that in class
you're really smart
you must know the answer
i love your blackberry cover
what do you do on weekends?

a group of girls sitting under a tree
all seeming younger than me, even though technically most of us are the same age,
with so many questions

picture coming late to class to find out that they all rearranged seats to sit with you
that we shared lunch and laughter
and having inside jokes with strangers
and treating someone who's name you dont even know as a best friend
(and feeling safe and having everything easy)

picture High School

remember those days?
and all the good things about being at school
a small class of fifteen of your friends
distracting the teacher
asking stupid questions
guessing answers
writing notes
borrowing pens
but some how the beauty in all of this is that we aren't friends, that we're all strangers

picture love,
and "omg he's checking you out while he's with his girlfriend"

picture smiles
and hugs
and "i'll see you monday"
and small waves
and air kisses

its a beautiful picture
and im glad to be in it

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


in other unrelated news:
Leighton Meester will be on the cover of nylon for February
and i can't wait to watch her nylontv video

i miss gossip girl
and prettylittleliars
and being able to use facebook without my computer glasses

i have this insane tea craving
but am waaay too lazy
so am drinking pomegranate juice with ice instead
listening to Colbie Cailat
feeling the pain of waking up at 9:35am
hoping that i'll sleep later tomorrow
and that i'll bog about the amazing past two days i've had at tech
and that i'll never stop laughing about it :)
and that i'll see the videos of "Hi, im Lisa and i know first aid" very soon
and that tomorrow will be better

please let tomorrow just be better

you're a nobody but im going to apologise anyway (dear L)

Let's get afew things out while im at it
(and hope you're friend who i feel sometimes stalks me, doesn't see this)

im sorry you were the one to talk to me first
im sorry YOU wanted to be friends with me
i was perfectly fine being beautiful and alone

im sorry you don't have a blackberry
and how things turned out

im sorry our names begin with the same letter

im sorry i never worried about you
or bothered to reply to your message that one time
im sorry your one friend ended up liking me more
that she paid more attention to me
that she came to sit with me
that she thinks im cool

im sorry you hate me
that you're jealous

im sorry i don't care enough to apologise to you personally
i don't feel i have to
and how would it go?
"im sorry for being me"
hmmm -- it just doesn't feel genuine

im glad im gone now
#nomorecompetition (for you)
#nomoreguilt (for me)

and lets call the small relationship i sustain with your friend
and lets hope that she loves you enough, so that you won't care

hugs and kisses


Dear David

im glad we spoke
before i made a fool of myself

i had it written in my head already
"we can't keep doing this, i respect you to much to keep running back to you and using you, you cant always be my rebound guy, a hook up...remember what happened the last time? how upset you got? you cant pretend you dont like me when we both know you do, you're really sweet but im growing up and shouldn't you be bored of me by now? just saying"
im just glad that i asked if you're in a relationship
in my defense you're kinda annoying, you message me and always try and talk to me...and why? what do you want me to say? the conversation is always the same
and besides the girlfriend, you dont seem to have changed

unless you were lying -- bc that would explain things
but other than that

"just bc we moved house and you now live around the corner, doesn't mean i want to put effort into another relationship with you"


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

there's just too much

(did i use the right "too" andrea?)

Things i want to blog about: day life dad

Time i've wasted thinking about how much i want to blog: Approx 3hours
Craving: Tea
Mood Status: Lazy (therefore no tea, hence the craving)

today i was literally dragged out my bed by my dad, who kept saying
"im not forcing you to do anything you dont want to do Lisa, but you have to go to orientation"
i honestly thought it would be pointless, and in a way it was

i found out things i probably knew already
how did my dad put it...
"it is not good to start the year off with a negative obstacle, now its not as if to say you wont be able to overcome this later on, but why put yourself through that? why let others start off ahead of you" 
those where his words
and at 6:35am how could i argue with that?

Tech is so different to university, its easier actually, smaller classes, one set program, people, friends and so much more....i feel like im getting ahead of myself, can life really be this good? is this what i want? and even if it wasn't what i want, would i still be unhappy?

they say we should forget what we did in high school, that these are different subjects with the same names -- im not sure when last i've seen lectures so enthusiastic, is this actually going to be fun?

and let me not talk about the ethics of this all -- bc im still not sure how i feel about that

"i see you sitting alone, would you like to join us in the shade?"

people are friendly
and i find myself smiling at people i dont know
and talking to strangers
and admitting my flaws

"do our timetables match up? i want to see if we have free lessons together"
"theres this sweet cafe/pub less than fifteen mins away, we can totally go there for lunch"
"im vegetarian too"

people want to be my friend
really, im shocked, people are nice, and super smart
i keep reminding myself not to judge others
and that we are all here doing the same thing for similar reasons
we all have goals and interests and its all in the same field of study
this isn't uni where everyone is on their own mission
this is a class

hahaha and im making this sound so gay

every time i see the mountain i want to say "wow, look at the mountain"
i want to have a conversation with every friendly security woman who sits at the end of every lonely passage that i find myself walking aimlessly through

i want to tan my legs outside and wear my sunglasses
and in hail sam's second hand smoke

(i want faheem to be there, to hold my hand and to enjoy this with me)
but i guess we cant have it all

i want to be an independent woman
yes -- i decided this, this morning
i want to be busy
and plan things, make appointments
and be important

i want to smile knowing my day was worth while
and be tired at the end of the day
and be excited for tomorrow

but most of all....

i want to know what to wear tomorrow


Monday, January 17, 2011

this should be fun...

it's past two am and ...
im awake
chatting to murray on facebook, who just explained the time difference to me
(they're 9 hours ahead...flip, i think)
and listening to deathcabforcutie (for the vibe)
this music actually just reminds me of driving around with kyle and james
and why wouldn't i want to think about that?

(its late and im feeling emo -- kay thats not true, but i have no better word to explain how i feel... oh wait, i think im just im actually upset for being awake bc im really tired-- wow)

and maybe i just want to get lost in memories

Kyle never uploaded all the pictures he took on facebook, and i feel like i may never ever see them again... and "ever" is a really long time

this place was beautiful

i like this,
i remember james pushing me infront of this beautiful gate so that kyle could get a picture...
but it was awkward just standing there
 i honestly couldn't do it

i feel like im one of those people who pose for photo's -- i hate this, like i just want to punch myself -- but .... i really like photo's
~ tweeted 1 hour ago

i just couldn't pose

how great are kyle's pictures? really. im obsessed all over again

im not sure if i miss andrea right now
 i just saw her this afternoon
but i think i do
its more of a "i dont know when i'll see you again bc i might miss you" feeling
and thinking about things, i really want to see those pictures she took of me feeding squirrels

ahhh i love us

i refuse to type the words "i miss you"

realizing that when im with friends im a better person than when im alone
yeah, this is probably something i should work on
theres that saying "you can never be lonely if you like the person you're alone with"
thats a facebook status right there*

feeling like i'd be able to sleep much better if i were in andrea's bed...but only bc i love it!
ah good memories of cold nights and her amazing electric blanket
my bed just cant compare

i think im falling out of love with my bed
maybe i should invest in a new one


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

For him (confessions of a blogger)

i could explain why i've been thinking about him
i could make excuses
i could lie
i could pretend i dont feel this way

what would be the point?
and maybe it's bc im lonely, bc im avoiding Someone else, bc the Australian girls reminded me soo much of him
i said i wouldn't make excuses

and then Nylon uploaded this song by Adele & The XX which i love
and probably killed in one night

"the scars of your love
remind me of us
 they keep me thinking
 that we almost had it all"

and yes, i went through afew of his Facebook pics
listening to it
missing him
wanting him ....
wow -- confessions of a blogger

and now i cant stop thinking about him
for a while i thought i forgot about him
i haven't spoken to him since last i saw him
last month? no longer ago
last year?

i remember Andrea being like.. "yes, i love you two together"
i wonder what he thought about that
i wonder how he felt about me hesitating to kiss him
i wonder if he thinks about me
if he hates me

i wonder if we would have worked together
if thats something he wanted...though i highly doubt it

its nice to think about

we would sit around talking about nothing ...
"i love your accent" "no, i love your accent"
we would drink wine
and picnic
we would go out with friends
you would make fun of how stupid i am
you would try to understand me
and teach me about silly things
and listen to what i say
no -- i will not cry over a fantasy

you would let me play with your hair
and sleep in your arms
and kiss my forehead
we would kiss

everything would be perfect
you're really good looking
and well, i like you
i do...

glasses on

i've been putting off blogging since...maybe ten o clock, i even tweeted about it, only to have some random guy (who i hoped was hot -- but was NOT) tweet me, trying to inspire me to blog

currently obsessing over Eliza Doolittle -- ALOT!
like, im tempted to make andrea a CD so we can play it in her kitchen obsessed

"What's wrong with bein' a nobody?
That nobody knows and has no buddies
And I should know 'cause I am one of these
Happy to blend and I really am honestly"

it sounds so emo, but she sings it really upbeat, you're just forced to sing along

yes im playing her music super loud bc my parents aren't home
yes nicolas and i are singing along
yes he hates me bc he knows all the "stupid" lyrics

she even has two or three songs were she talks about getting arrested
haha ... love them

i haven't done anything for the past two days
i thought it would be nice to just chill at home
but the truth is, i've just been driving myself crazy with all the thinking i've been doing
i doubt this amount of thinking is even healthy

wondering what to wear to the met
and missing andrea

remembering murray being like...

 "so i heard this rumour, that when the two of you are separated for more than 5 hours, one of you gets cancer"

okay i could be miss quoting him, but it was something along those lines and super funny...ahhh what i'd give to have that night back