Monday, February 28, 2011

monday blues

and listening to the script

knowing i shouldn't be blogging at all
contemplating just not doing work and editing the photo's andrea and i took instead
thinking i should sms, but not wanting to be annoying

drinking green tea*

i just haven't felt this kind of stress for a while...
hating how i enjoy being pessimistic
knowing in my head that nothing is as bad as im making it out to be

today was really nice
i have very sweet friends at varsity
and even the people i dont like, can sometimes make me smile...
but only bc im giggling at how hard they try

just leave me alone to be a girl

i even saw #myGuy today

he kissed me on the lips

i just hate the fact that im so tired
and that im not amped at all

...that i have so much to do
and that i have to concentrate :'(

wishing my birthday is everything i want it to be
and that i smile
and see my friends smile aswell

watching the videos from this weekend
which are great, and somehow also creepy...
in a "what are you doing" kinda way
but great non the less :)

loving this picture and how i cant stop smiling at it, even though its not overboard cute

thinking that tomorrow i'll wear something lovely
and enjoy being 18 for the last time ever*


Saturday, February 19, 2011

my Guy

it feels so wrong to make that my title
but the truth is...
thats what i've been calling him

and he makes me smile 

and i know i only met him two days ago
and that im probably crazy to even be blogging about him
but these past two days with him have been lovely

Today i sat on the grass with his head on my lap
while i played with his hair

 everything with him is strangely obvious
i like him
and not only for his goodlooks
but because he is really sweet
in a stupid, innocent way

ahhh and im drifting off just thinking about him

and he looks at me constantly,
in the eyes.
and flirts with me,
 as if it's okay.

and he has the most amazing hair
and beatuiful hazel eyes
(hazel means green right?)
and he smiles
and has facial hair*

and maybe this is all #putitoutintotheuniverse
i saw him on valentines day with a bunch of roses
and was jealous of the lucky girl to be getting them from a guy like him
(turns out he was holding them for a friend #yesistalked)

and he's profile picture reminds me of this

he is really sweet
and so cute
and we all sit together and he makes it obvious that he likes me
he does
--im not imagining this--

and maybe he does it bc when he met me, our friend who introduced us
told him i thought he was hot, in a few simple hand gestures

he asks lots of questions
and notices the small things
and says we should go out

and we sit together
and flirt...or atleast he does
i cant keep up with him
he's far to cute

and at some point on Thursday all of our friends got up and left us alone together
and in the two days i've known him, he's bunked class (more than once) just to be with me

there really isn't more to say
im not looking for a boyfriend
i just think he's perfect

and im astonished by how i can like someone so openly
and everyone is just okay with it
almost as if they expect it

like when i joked that "He" should walk me to the car
everyone took me seriously
which only made for an awkward
"no what are you doing, why are you the only one getting up, i was just kiddin'..."

and i miss him when i leave
and im excited to see him again
and i think its funny how everyone on facebook is "liking" our wallposts to each other

oh and theres one last thing to tell you
which might make you hate him....

he's muslim and knows Faheem



Friday, February 11, 2011

Dairy entry: Today

"All eyes on me when I walk in,
No question that this girl's a 10
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
My walk, my talk the way I dress
It's not my fault so please don't trip
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful"

currently obsessed with
Pretty Girl Rock
feeling conceited
whenever i sing along
but in a good way

this morning i woke up wanting to go back to sleep
wait...that happens every morning

i convinced myself that needed to get out of bed
had breakfast (for the first time this week)
and listened to my dad worry that there would be traffic bc of the opening of Parliament

there wasn't traffic

i didnt shower
and argued myself into putting on make up
my hair was a mess
and by chance there was a cute guy in my computer class

i wrote an exemption test
which was trickier (lol is that how you spell it) than i expected
went to chem class
only to realise how much of a las it is to actually think about things

i spent money on food
and spoke with CraigParker
who reminds me of David more than i like

i sat by myself in the shade on the grass, missing the design students
 only to have some random guy
(who ended up being nice)
come and sit with me and ruin my whole "sitting alone" vibe

i never have "me" time anymore

i came home, showered and fell asleep in my towel on my bed
only to be woken up by my mom
i worried about which day it was (thinking i had slept till the next morning)
only to find out it was still Friday and only 4pm

i snuck my dog inside the house
and we sat on the kitchen floor eating marie biscuits

i tweeted
listened to the great music on andrea's CD
i made tea ... more than once :)
and discovered these delicious, chewy filled meringue biscuits
that i think my brother hid

i reflected on my feelings
actually, i just asked myself why he loves me
and why he's been trying so hard recently

not loving anyone atm
not even the boy andrea dreamt about me being with
though when i saw this picture (that she gave me)
i thought of him

i can picture us sitting here

i sang along while nicolas played guitar
and walked around with no pants on
and i watched the #butreallyonthecouch videos again
bc they seem to make me smile

thinking we should make more
and maybe have guest appearances

but for now
i'll go to bed
bc honestly, thats the place to be these days


feeling obligated

somehow this phrase of
just seems to be becoming truer than true

reading old blogposts
seeing how i've got some of the things i asked for
and how things make me smile

how happiness isn't an issue
and that i know if i get out of bed in the morning
no matter what happens,
it will be a good day
(and this is a proven theory)

have been listening great music
that has helped me feel independent
and beautiful

fans are becoming friends
and this is okay

they make me feel safe
and loved
and i feel lost without them

we all sit together
and i sometimes wonder who to sit next to
like i have to give each a turn

in a sense we have become "clicky"
 like we intimidate others
and some days i long to sit alone at the back of the class
or just next to someone new

i love my class
and how i can talk to whoever i want, about anything
how people like me
how people, who i dont know or dont remember meeting
ask me how i am and how my day has been

i still hate being nice to people
and not just people at uni
im talking about everyone who wants my attention
im tired of expectations

maybe im a bad friend
or a bad person

who knows....

im not use to having to spread myself this thin
and people are so needy
they have emotions and stuff
and all im doing is trying to deal with my own

wondering why i wanted to do psychology in the first place...

sending love to those i think about when i feel bad for not being better at all of this


i don't like hate

"When others can not forgive you, then it's time to forgive yourself & pray for them"
life is far to short

and dear leighton meester, i forgive you for wearing pink and red
im jealous that you look so fabulous


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

"we can"

i like to hope
and say "maybe"
i like to come up with exciting things to do
and think about how i'll do them

i like stripes
and listening to music
and putting on make up
and being pretty

i like dressing up and taking photo's
i like compliments
and sweet messages

i like laughing at my parents when they are upset or worried about me

i like drinking tea
and sleepovers
and dinner parties

i like how this picture reminds me of andrea -- haha

and i like this photo tim took
(and that we are wearing sunglasses and a sunhat inside)
i like my new sunhat
and this ring im wearing -- that we bought in china town

i like how im running out of things to list that i like
and how this blog post has gone completely off topic

wanting to go to that rooftop bar with fairy lights, in town
and to take pictures of a girl standing in a smokey room, talking to a small crowd

thinking that if my hair is going to stay brown
im going to have to cut my fringe
and wear liquid eyeliner always*



Someone say: Personal Day

this morning i got out of bed at ten 'o clock
i read some tweets
made some tea
ate a few hot cross buns
and now im sitting here in front of my computer

theres a lovely movie on tv about a figure skater and her gorgeous boyfriend
the sun is shining
and my dad is busy painting my cupboard (bc he never went to work either today)

wondering if anyone misses me today at tech

planning on: 
painting my nails
drinking more tea
playing with my dogs
listening to music
and sending love to friends*

happy wednesday everyone


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

my superfans are getting out of hand

it was nice
not being the odd one out
i didn't sign up for this

i told myself i didn't like people
i didn't need friends
and that i was absolutely fine being on my own

and maybe i gave in to all this in the beginning because i hate how people judge the lonely girl
or bc i was tired of feeling that people think im stuck up

maybe i just enjoyed the conversation
having people listen to me as i spoke on and on about my life
maybe i got ahead of myself

there is a thing as too much attention
try being in a room where everyone knows who you are and you dont know anyone
or trying to decide where to sit in class so that you dont offend someone

maybe im not explaining the seriousness of this all
maybe you dont understand how something like this could get out of hand
Guys move seats from the Other side of the class room to sit next to me
Girls bring there friends to meet me
they tell people about me
"we only say nice things about you"
they talk and ask questions
and wait on me
and follow me
they know where i am
and see who im with
and ask questions

so many questions

and lets not get into those conversations with guys, who im just not interested in
sometimes i dont want to talk
i dont want to smile
or joke
or defend myself just bc you're going to disagree with me to make conversation

i dont want to have to pretend to like you
when i dont even know you
and i dont want to get to know you either

maybe im just rude
and ungrateful
or maybe im just tired of so many people being interested in me
maybe im in over my head
or am trying to be too nice to too many people

maybe i should quit while im ahead
but who am i kiddin'

i wouldn't know how


i wonder if anyone can tell that i still love you...

i think he's back

not that it makes a difference
(for now)

i even blogged about him the other day
 -- explaining things --

but as they say
out of blog, out of mind
no one says that
im not even sure i say that

non of this matters

im still on the quest for
the perfect guy

thinking maybe i should just be super friendly to any cute guy who talks to me or that i see

we'll see how tomorrow goes
i feel like im rushing everything
and that...

"my prince charming is on his way, he just took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions"