Saturday, December 11, 2010

are you here?

I spent a night with you, and then all I wanted to do was spend every free moment of mine with you...but thats not what happened. For the first time in a while I was confused...and as I remembered earlier, we became really cute, we would talk and you would remember things, the small things, you made me laugh and I'd obsess about that night I spent with you. Which I'm not going to talk about ...bc after a while you forgot about me, maybe it was my fault...for not trying and being upfront. Maybe thats what you needed...what we needed....but you moved on and I moved back... to my comfort zone...we didn’t kiss that night, but we wanted to.....

We spoke about going on picnics and seeing each other, but nothing ever happened, I don’t believe in regrets, I just feel stupid for not knowing better and not trying harder? As they say...the worse thing about life is that it gives you the test before the lesson

We were stupid, and awkward and I'm sorry

I'm sorry that I like you and that you’re so darn perfect when I'm with you and that we didn’t work, so I sit here and tell myself that if we were meant to work we would bc lets face it...thats so true and you’re leaving...

but you’re leaving” “forget that I'm leaving, now why shouldn’t you kiss me” your defence you were drunk and just a boy who wanted me weeks ago

I cant, what if I kiss you and fall inlove” “you wont” “but what if I do” ...and maybe both of us should have taken this question more seriously....maybe I hope we didn’t kiss, even though the touch of your lips is indescribable...”you can kiss another girl, lets find you another girl *smiling unconvincingly*” “no, I don’t want another girl, I want you” ...thinking about it all could I not kiss you? Even though it wasn’t what I dreamt it to be, you somehow made it okay

You kept trying...why? I'm not that much of an accomplishment...or maybe I am, but I don’t like to be played with, I'm so over games

And yet somehow I keep going back to how perfect you are, the things you remembered, why remember if you don’t love?, yes that word came up, more than once, "no, but what if I love you" and not only by you, by your friend as well...

You're friend...yes. For a what seemed like forever, you were gone and I was left alone on the dance floor with him...and the awkwardtisity lasted for about aslong as it took him to tell me where you were. He was cute and treated me like we've been friends forever, like he knew me. He took me aside. To the bar. He bought me drinks and flirted with me and then he told me that "you're a good guy" and that you really liked me...that you spoke about me. He saw right through me and smiled so convincingly. He was charming

I wish I could remember more...or maybe its good that i don't. I know how this story ends and that holding onto this memory will probably destroy me eventually...then again, this post is holding onto the memory

I just don't understand you...and I don't think that's fair. Woman say men are complicated and I never believed it till I met you...

"Lisa this is the third time we've been together and I really want to kiss you" ... typing this I can hear him saying it, in his accent. His words and he remembered? The first time we met? And he counted it as a 'meeting'? ... He remembered so much...he thought about me. I remember when he left and didn't let me know, for a week he was gone and out of touch and I vowed I'd stop liking him. Till he came back and immediately sent me an apology message and asked me how I had been and what he had missed out on...why did we lose that? Our cuteness?...I know the answers. I just don't like them

You found out I had a boyfriend on facebook., I'm not even going to defend myself on that...not here

"The last time you wouldn't kiss me bc you had a boyfriend"..."A kiss means a lot to me" I told him...but he stole one anyway...he made me kiss him. For gds sakes I'm just a girl and I was head over heels for him

"Remember those stairs" he said...gosh "of course I do, its all I've thought about" was what is should have told him. Ah...the first time he held me and made me feel like things could last forever

I don't love you, I just know I could, if you had given me a chance, if you weren't concerned about other girls or the fact that you knew we couldn't have anything real, that you would go home and that everything was just temporary

You said "hold on" and propped me up, so I could wrap my legs around you and we could kiss...and we did. And now those kisses feel short, that whole evening does, like its disappearing. And we won't have it back, you're gone now and you don't care...and maybe that's your way of getting over this, just not.caring ...I don't know how you do it, maybe you have better things to care about and that you're through caring about me bc I didn't try hard enough in the beginning. Maybe I broke your heart like you break mine, by not replying to my messages or not talking to me

Maybe through all this there is a lesson, but my mind is still a wreck and I can't see it...I miss you and now you're gone and I don't know what to do, besides pretend that everything is okay and hope you miss me to

#nowplaying "i'd do it all again" by Corinne bailey Rae


1 comment:

  1. awwww lisaaaaaaa.
    i dont have words.. i just. it's beautiful and tragic and .. everything love turns out to be. sigh, but it was magic for a moment, and in the end, those are the things that make up life. i love you, forever*