Dairy entry: Today

"All eyes on me when I walk in,
No question that this girl's a 10
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
My walk, my talk the way I dress
It's not my fault so please don't trip
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful"

currently obsessed with
Pretty Girl Rock

feeling conceited
whenever i sing along

but in a good way

this morning i woke up wanting to go back to sleep

wait...that happens every morning

i convinced myself that needed to get out of bed

had breakfast (for the first time this week)

and listened to my dad worry that there would be traffic bc of the opening of Parliament

there wasn't traffic

i didnt shower

and argued myself into putting on make up

my hair was a mess

and by chance there was a cute guy in my computer class

i wrote an exemption test

which was trickier (lol is that how you spell it) than i expected

went to chem class

...

only to realise how much of a las it is to actually think about things

i spent money on food

and spoke with CraigParker

who reminds me of David more than i like

i sat by myself in the shade on the grass, missing the design students

 only to have some random guy

(who ended up being nice)

come and sit with me and ruin my whole "sitting alone" vibe

i never have "me" time anymore

i came home, showered and fell asleep in my towel on my bed

only to be woken up by my mom

--confused--

i worried about which day it was (thinking i had slept till the next morning)

only to find out it was still Friday and only 4pm

i snuck my dog inside the house

and we sat on the kitchen floor eating marie biscuits

i tweeted

listened to the great music on andrea's CD

i made tea ... more than once :)

and discovered these delicious, chewy filled meringue biscuits

that i think my brother hid

i reflected on my feelings

LOL!

actually, i just asked myself why he loves me

and why he's been trying so hard recently

not loving anyone atm

not even the boy andrea dreamt about me being with

though when i saw this picture (that she gave me)

i thought of him



i can picture us sitting here



i sang along while nicolas played guitar

and walked around with no pants on

and i watched the #butreallyonthecouch videos again

bc they seem to make me smile

thinking we should make more

and maybe have guest appearances

but for now

i'll go to bed

bc honestly, thats the place to be these days

love

x

feeling obligated

somehow this phrase of

#putitoutintotheuniverse

just seems to be becoming truer than true

reading old blogposts

seeing how i've got some of the things i asked for

and how things make me smile

how happiness isn't an issue

and that i know if i get out of bed in the morning

no matter what happens,

it will be a good day

(and this is a proven theory)

have been listening great music

that has helped me feel independent

and beautiful

fans are becoming friends

and this is okay

they make me feel safe

and loved

and i feel lost without them

we all sit together

always

and i sometimes wonder who to sit next to

like i have to give each a turn

though

in a sense we have become "clicky"

 like we intimidate others

and some days i long to sit alone at the back of the class

or just next to someone new

i love my class

and how i can talk to whoever i want, about anything

how people like me

or

how people, who i dont know or dont remember meeting

ask me how i am and how my day has been

i still hate being nice to people

....

and not just people at uni

im talking about everyone who wants my attention

im tired of expectations

maybe im a bad friend

or a bad person

who knows....

im not use to having to spread myself this thin

and people are so needy

they have emotions and stuff

and all im doing is trying to deal with my own

wondering why i wanted to do psychology in the first place...

sending love to those i think about when i feel bad for not being better at all of this

(hugs)

i don't like hate

"When others can not forgive you, then it's time to forgive yourself & pray for them"

life is far to short

...



and dear leighton meester, i forgive you for wearing pink and red
im jealous that you look so fabulous



xoxo

"we can"

i like to hope

and say "maybe"

i like to come up with exciting things to do

and think about how i'll do them



i like stripes

and listening to music

and putting on make up

and being pretty

i like dressing up and taking photo's

i like compliments

and sweet messages

i like laughing at my parents when they are upset or worried about me

i like drinking tea

and sleepovers

and dinner parties



i like how this picture reminds me of andrea -- haha



and i like this photo tim took

(and that we are wearing sunglasses and a sunhat inside)

i like my new sunhat

and this ring im wearing -- that we bought in china town

i like how im running out of things to list that i like

and how this blog post has gone completely off topic

....

wanting to go to that rooftop bar with fairy lights, in town

and to take pictures of a girl standing in a smokey room, talking to a small crowd

thinking that if my hair is going to stay brown

im going to have to cut my fringe

and wear liquid eyeliner always*

ahhhhh

#somanything

xoxo

Someone say: Personal Day

this morning i got out of bed at ten 'o clock

i read some tweets

made some tea

ate a few hot cross buns

and now im sitting here in front of my computer

theres a lovely movie on tv about a figure skater and her gorgeous boyfriend

the sun is shining

and my dad is busy painting my cupboard (bc he never went to work either today)

wondering if anyone misses me today at tech

planning on: 

painting my nails

drinking more tea

playing with my dogs

listening to music

reading

and sending love to friends*

happy wednesday everyone

xoxo

my superfans are getting out of hand

it was nice

not being the odd one out

but

i didn't sign up for this

i told myself i didn't like people

i didn't need friends

and that i was absolutely fine being on my own

and maybe i gave in to all this in the beginning because i hate how people judge the lonely girl

or bc i was tired of feeling that people think im stuck up

maybe i just enjoyed the conversation

having people listen to me as i spoke on and on about my life

maybe i got ahead of myself

there is a thing as too much attention

try being in a room where everyone knows who you are and you dont know anyone

or trying to decide where to sit in class so that you dont offend someone

maybe im not explaining the seriousness of this all

maybe you dont understand how something like this could get out of hand

...

Guys move seats from the Other side of the class room to sit next to me

Girls bring there friends to meet me

they tell people about me

"we only say nice things about you"

they talk and ask questions

and wait on me

and follow me

they know where i am

and see who im with

and ask questions

so many questions

and lets not get into those conversations with guys, who im just not interested in

sometimes i dont want to talk

i dont want to smile

or joke

or defend myself just bc you're going to disagree with me to make conversation

i dont want to have to pretend to like you

when i dont even know you

and i dont want to get to know you either

maybe im just rude

and ungrateful

or maybe im just tired of so many people being interested in me

maybe im in over my head

or am trying to be too nice to too many people

maybe i should quit while im ahead

but who am i kiddin'

i wouldn't know how

xoxo

i wonder if anyone can tell that i still love you...

i think he's back

not that it makes a difference

(for now)

i even blogged about him the other day

 -- explaining things --

but as they say

out of blog, out of mind

kiddin'

no one says that

im not even sure i say that

anyway

non of this matters

im still on the quest for

the perfect guy

thinking maybe i should just be super friendly to any cute guy who talks to me or that i see

maybe

we'll see how tomorrow goes

i feel like im rushing everything

and that...

"my prince charming is on his way, he just took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions"

xoxo