late at night i become selfish

theres nothing worse than being me right now. awake

and upset

somewhat lonely

but its almost 3am and this is to be expected

"people are asleep right now lisa"

no one cares

and even if they do, they wont show it till morning

and by morning it will be to late

maybe even, less appreciated

all i want is the perfect guy with the same sleeping patterns as me

the guy who stays up with me

who loves me

...and is it crazy that this is all making me tear up (she says with tears rolling down her cheeks)

-i cry easily, things make me sad, dont judge me-

i just want people to be there always

whenever i need them

i want them to be nice

and love me

i want to go to sleep

and i cant.

so i'll send him another sms

and i'll wipe my tears

and i'll tell myself that its okay to be selfish...

its okay to want silly things and be upset

its okay to be hungry

but too lazy to go to the fridge

and lastly, its okay to be sad

passed.

i just found out i passed all my end of year exams, my parents were so happy

so am i

its just, my parents care more

and they are really good at showing their excitement

i am really proud of the A i got for Psychology

my major*

....but do i want to do this for the rest of my life? im still not sure

will fill you in when i eventually figure it out

:)

xoxo

it's almost 3am

picture taken from andrea's computer (lol) or maybe she sent it to me? im not sure, i just have it and like it. also, saw those glasses today and am regretting not buying them

i had gone to bed and everything when i just thought..."i would really like to be on the computer right now" and then i was getting too hot and then thought i should close my window and it was like the universe was telling me to get out of bed...also, the smell of paint was killing me...well not actually but im just scared of the smell after what happened to my old math teacher who spent the day in a tiny room painting and then fainted in class. . . but not the good kinda faint...gosh...just thinking about it disturbs me, the one moment he was sitting on the desk and the next thing he began falling forward till he crashed to the ground, and he was a huge man and so smart, one of my favourite teachers. flip. i actually might get sick thinking about this. omg

*enter

*enter

*enter

breath.....im fine

im not going to finish that story, maybe another day (lol take that as never...ask me in person (so you can hold my hair back incase i throw up)...im not gona lie, i have a very...um whats the word Faheem uses? sensitive? no not that...anyway i have a sensitive stomach, i can get sick quite easily omg what am i typing? this was meant to be a happy blog before bed. a blogpost that would make me go sleep



i think i just saved this picture bc i thought he was hot...hmmm he is hot

they painted the wall outside my bed room hence the smell of paint, not to long ago my little brother fell through the roof, well not completely through...its a long story and an entirely new blogpost...anyway the insurance people came and got people to fix it and they painted and everything. good as new. looking at it...the colour of the wall is..."nice" i've said that three times today "this is a really nice wall colour" ...we all said it, bc thats the only way it can be described...and it is really nice!

anyway andrea jane spoke of christmas cookies and i was in bed craving them. desperatly. and then i realized that today is only Tuesday and that we will only be making them on MONDAY (yes, i was going to write this exact line on her facebook wall)

"im just gona call it the wall" - mark zuckerber

the real point of this blogpost is what i eventually found in the fridge, it was a little dessert my mom bought for me this afternoon and i had forgotten about....and goodness it was delicious. i sat here thinking "omg what is this????" ....

sweet berry sauce on top, a delicious creamy filling with and amazing biscuit crust... and then i thought "hey, this is exactly like cheese cake" ...only to look down and study it abit better and realize that it was infact cheese cake....point of my story is the biscuit craving is gone :) or it has just transformed into a cheese cake craving bc just typing this makes me want more...i actually got so hungry thinking about this that i got up and fetched some potato salad from the fridge, im sitting here eating it straight from the container, which if my mom saw, she would kill me...bc im not gona finish all of this ...in actual fact i dont even like potato

so this blog post didnt turn out at all how i wanted it to be...

i dont care tho, i started off by talking about mr murrison fainting, everything is bound to go downhill from there...did i mention that when he eventually opend his eyes, he started throwing up? have you ever seen your teacher throw up?

ah life. you can be so dramatic at times



lol ... in other unrelated news, how great is annie leibovits?...though it must suck to google your own name and not even have a picture of you pop up

her pictures are amazing though

xoxo

she gets me and im her biggest fan.

Its a strange term don’t you think “I'm your biggest fan”...whats the definition of that anyway? ...im soo tempted to urban dictionary google it...but I wont bc I'm lazy

but if you know me well, then you know about my obsession with corinne bailey rae (i even love her name) and her music is just.so.great

How great is she? I’ve been inlove with her music since mid high school, I always liked her “put your record on” till jess gave me a copy of her CD and I fell inlove with each and every song on it...her music is insane. I think of all the things I’ve been through and how it can relate to anything I want it to be (the way I like)

I must have played that poor cd over and over a hundred times (or more) ...it is the greatest music to study to, dance to or even to just have in the background on a Sunday afternoon....lol and now I sound like I'm writing a review on her music

I just cant explain this kind I love. I think she is awesome...literally. I want to be as cool as her when I grow up. ... actually thinking about that just breaks my heart bc I’ll never be as cool as her

What I can say is, whenever I have my earphones in and am singing the words, my dad always asks “are we listening to ‘o bailey Rae again?”


and that every now and then I catch my little brother singing along bc even HE knows the words

Music makes me happy, but her music takes happiness to the next level. Even the sad songs...i love them, bc they speak the words of my heart

are you here?

I spent a night with you, and then all I wanted to do was spend every free moment of mine with you...but thats not what happened. For the first time in a while I was confused...and as I remembered earlier, we became really cute, we would talk and you would remember things, the small things, you made me laugh and I'd obsess about that night I spent with you. Which I'm not going to talk about ...bc after a while you forgot about me, maybe it was my fault...for not trying and being upfront. Maybe thats what you needed...what we needed....but you moved on and I moved back... to my comfort zone...we didn’t kiss that night, but we wanted to.....

We spoke about going on picnics and seeing each other, but nothing ever happened, I don’t believe in regrets, I just feel stupid for not knowing better and not trying harder? As they say...the worse thing about life is that it gives you the test before the lesson

We were stupid, and awkward and I'm sorry

I'm sorry that I like you and that you’re so darn perfect when I'm with you and that we didn’t work, so I sit here and tell myself that if we were meant to work we would bc lets face it...thats so true and you’re leaving...

“but you’re leaving” “forget that I'm leaving, now why shouldn’t you kiss me”...in your defence you were drunk and just a boy who wanted me weeks ago

“I cant, what if I kiss you and fall inlove” “you wont” “but what if I do” ...and maybe both of us should have taken this question more seriously....maybe I hope we didn’t kiss, even though the touch of your lips is indescribable...”you can kiss another girl, lets find you another girl *smiling unconvincingly*” “no, I don’t want another girl, I want you” ...thinking about it all again...how could I not kiss you? Even though it wasn’t what I dreamt it to be, you somehow made it okay

You kept trying...why? I'm not that much of an accomplishment...or maybe I am, but I don’t like to be played with, I'm so over games

And yet somehow I keep going back to how perfect you are, the things you remembered, why remember if you don’t love? ...love, yes that word came up, more than once, "no, but what if I love you" and not only by you, by your friend as well...

You're friend...yes. For a what seemed like forever, you were gone and I was left alone on the dance floor with him...and the awkwardtisity lasted for about aslong as it took him to tell me where you were. He was cute and treated me like we've been friends forever, like he knew me. He took me aside. To the bar. He bought me drinks and flirted with me and then he told me that "you're a good guy" and that you really liked me...that you spoke about me. He saw right through me and smiled so convincingly. He was charming

I wish I could remember more...or maybe its good that i don't. I know how this story ends and that holding onto this memory will probably destroy me eventually...then again, this post is holding onto the memory

I just don't understand you...and I don't think that's fair. Woman say men are complicated and I never believed it till I met you...

"Lisa this is the third time we've been together and I really want to kiss you" ... typing this I can hear him saying it, in his accent. His words are.like.a.song and he remembered? The first time we met? And he counted it as a 'meeting'? ... He remembered so much...he thought about me. I remember when he left and didn't let me know, for a week he was gone and out of touch and I vowed I'd stop liking him. Till he came back and immediately sent me an apology message and asked me how I had been and what he had missed out on...why did we lose that? Our cuteness?...I know the answers. I just don't like them

You found out I had a boyfriend on facebook. But...no, I'm not even going to defend myself on that...not here

"The last time you wouldn't kiss me bc you had a boyfriend"..."A kiss means a lot to me" I told him...but he stole one anyway...he made me kiss him. For gds sakes I'm just a girl and I was head over heels for him

"Remember those stairs" he said...gosh "of course I do, its all I've thought about" was what is should have told him. Ah...the first time he held me and made me feel like things could last forever

I don't love you, I just know I could, if you had given me a chance, if you weren't concerned about other girls or the fact that you knew we couldn't have anything real, that you would go home and that everything was just temporary

You said "hold on" and propped me up, so I could wrap my legs around you and we could kiss...and we did. And now those kisses feel short, that whole evening does, like its disappearing. And we won't have it back, you're gone now and you don't care...and maybe that's your way of getting over this, just not.caring ...I don't know how you do it, maybe you have better things to care about and that you're through caring about me bc I didn't try hard enough in the beginning. Maybe I broke your heart like you break mine, by not replying to my messages or not talking to me

Maybe through all this there is a lesson, but my mind is still a wreck and I can't see it...I miss you and now you're gone and I don't know what to do, besides pretend that everything is okay and hope you miss me to


#nowplaying "i'd do it all again" by Corinne bailey Rae

 

"x"

three things

a facebook message, the movie: eat pray love and andrea's last blog post wrapped-in-black

"Did I mention I hate people who come into my life, make me feel happy and then just LEAVE...lol I don't know if this answers your question or anything, or if I sound rude or something...

All I can say is please keep in touch and keep safe and come back*...and that I hope you meet someone you can have an amazing relationship with back home, I'll always be here if you need relationship advice and I'd be lying if I said I'm not gona miss you

Love Lisa ♥"

 ...was what i just said in reply to Murray's inbox. I sat thinking today and realized that i may never see any of the australians again, which seems so strange

and then while watching eat pray love (which i would still be watching now, instead of blogging...if i had the second half andrea.)...i was reminded even more so of andrea's heartbreak (dramatic adjective) on twitter...theres a scene where julia roberts sits and types a "break up" email to David...which when i heard, made me feel like "omgosh...everything is going to be okay" ... and not just about these boys leaving to another country (yes my heart just sank while typing that) ... but people who leave in general

kay now i just want to cry...(but i wont)

just googled the email from the movie and here it is (yes the internet is awesome) i literally typed "what does she say in her email to david in eat pray love?" .... rereading it, i can only laugh at how much of an idiot i am*

Dear David,

We haven't had any communication in a while, and it's given me time I needed to think. Remember when you said we should live with each other and be unhappy so we could be happy? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer, trying to make it work.

But a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day its called, The Augustium. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the Barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else. The Great Augustus Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, one day would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over centuries. Feels like a precious wound, Like a heartbreak you won't let go of cause it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same David. Settle for living in misery because were afraid of change. Of things crumbling to ruins. then i looked around in this place at the chaos its endured. The way its been adapted, burned, pillaged, and found a way to build itself back up again...and i was reassured. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, It's just the world that is. And the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city. The Augustium showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.

rereading this now i realize that its got nothing to do with the australians leaving, and if you know me at all then you know the only guy i can relate this to .... skrew it! im trying to make a point here...

change is good... "ruin is a gift" ...the fact that they're leaving is okay and in the meanwhile i'll comfort myself with the dream of traveling to australia

Advice From Mans Best Friend

if you know me at all then you know i have a love for dogs, which is bigger than i let on. i dont just "love" my dogs, i am inlove with them* ...and then last night i came across this list of 

"18 Great Pieces of Advice From Your Dog" 

which i thought was super cleaver, so here they are...

 

1. Never pretend to be something you’re not.

2. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

4. When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.

5. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.

7. Run, romp, and play daily.

8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

9. Be loyal.

10. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

11. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

14. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

18. No matter how often you are criticized, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

 

happy wednesday everyone 

xoxo